Question:
I am a male submissive. I have tried BDSM with a mistress 3 times. To be honest, it wasn't as stimulating as watching femdom videos. I don't really like licking the mistress's feet, I tried licking ass and drinking pee but it was too hard to drink. However, every time I watch videos, I feel stimulated. So am I really a sub/slave or just looking for a strange feeling? Or maybe those mistresses don't know how to train, or lack experience?
Response:
One of the common questions when starting to enter BDSM is the feeling of 'discrepancy' between what you imagine and what you actually experience.
There are people who watch femdom content and feel very stimulated. They are attracted to the image of a powerful Mistress, clear submissive behaviors, and even some quite extreme kinks. But when they step into the actual experience, that feeling is no longer intact. In fact, there are behaviors that seem appealing when watching, but when trying them, they become uncomfortable, forced, or completely disconnected.
This often leads to a very direct question: Am I really submissive, or just looking for a strange feeling?
The answer does not lie in whether you 'are a sub or not', but in what you are misunderstanding about yourself.
Fantasy is a curated world.
What you see in videos is not the whole truth of BDSM. It is an edited, staged, and optimized version to create visual and imaginative stimulation. Everything is controlled: the angle, the expressions, the pacing, even the reactions of the participants.
In contrast, real-life experience is a completely different system. It includes real bodily sensations, smells, awkwardness, imperfect pacing, and most importantly, the psychological element between two real people.
The fact that you feel stimulated when watching but do not feel the same when experiencing is not a sign of a "problem." It simply shows that fantasy and reality do not align.
Submissive does not mean liking every kink.
A very common misunderstanding is: if you are submissive, you must like behaviors that are clearly submissive, even extreme. But in reality, "submissive" is a role related to power dynamics, not a list of specific behaviors.
You can be someone who enjoys being led, likes to give up control, enjoys the feeling of serving, or has a deep connection in a D/s relationship, but that does not mean you have to like foot fetish, anal play, or kinks like humiliation or bodily fluids.
Behaviors like foot licking, anal licking, or drinking urine are not the "standards" of a submissive. They are just very specific kinks, often at a quite deep or niche level. Not liking them does not make you "less of a sub," it just shows that they are not your preference.
What you are stimulated by may not be a behavior.
Many people confuse being stimulated by images with actually wanting to experience that behavior.
You may be attracted to:
The feeling of power – control.
The difference in position
The psychological atmosphere of being 'placed in a submissive position'
But these factors do not necessarily have to be accompanied by 'dirty kink' behaviors. When you strip away the image, what remains is what you are truly seeking.
If you realize that you are still interested in being led, being commanded, or serving, but do not like extreme behaviors, then it is very likely that you are still submissive, just in a different way: lighter, more psychological, or more connective.
The experience depends heavily on the person with you
BDSM is not a 'fixed script'. It is an interactive process between two people, and the quality of the experience greatly depends on whether both parties understand and are compatible with each other.
Trust plays a core role in this process. Without a sufficient foundation of trust, it is very difficult for someone to truly relax, feel, and enter a state of submission naturally. Instead, everything can easily become 'trying to do it right' rather than 'actually experiencing'.
An experienced Mistress will not impose a one-size-fits-all model. They will need time to understand what you like, where your limits are, how you react, and from there build a suitable experience.
If you are pushed into behaviors too quickly, or kinks that are not truly yours, it is understandable that you do not feel a connection. This does not necessarily reflect that you 'do not fit with BDSM', but may just be that you have not found the right person or the right approach.
And sometimes, you are just exploring
It is also important to consider a simpler possibility: you are trying something new, and realizing it does not suit you.
Not everyone who enters BDSM will stick with it. Some people are just curious, attracted by the imagery, or want to try it to understand themselves better. And after the experience, they realize that it’s not really for them.
This is completely normal.
Understand yourself before defining yourself
Instead of trying to answer the question "Am I submissive?", perhaps the better question is:
What am I really attracted to?
When you can separate fantasy from real needs, imagery from experience, you will start to see more clearly what you are looking for, whether it is BDSM or not.
And from there, every choice you make later will become more accurate, rather than trying to force yourself into a certain label.
Hopefully, through these experiences, you will gradually understand what truly suits you, not based on what you think you "should like", but based on what your body and emotions truly respond to.
I wish you soon find your own answers, understand yourself more deeply, and be honest enough with your needs to choose experiences that make you feel comfortable, connected, and true to yourself.
If you are interested and want to learn about BDSM in a safe, foundational, and realistic way, you might consider participating inMistress Elena's basic BDSM course — which focuses on knowledge, communication, boundaries, and conscious experience.