Recently, I received a question from a 20-year-old girl:
“I am a woman and I am LGBT. I want to have sex with my girlfriend but I don't know how to satisfy her. Please give me some advice. I am the Dom.”
Behind this seemingly simple question, there is actually a lot to discuss. Not only about sex between two women, but also about the Dom/sub roles, expectations, the pressure to 'perform well,' and how many people are trying to learn BDSM through available images online without truly understanding themselves and their partner.
The first thing I want to tell you is: there is no one-size-fits-all formula to satisfy a woman, whether you are in an LGBT or heterosexual relationship. There is also no fixed 'skill set' that a female Dom needs to possess to be a good leader.
Because before you are a Dom, a lover, or someone with experience or without experience, you are facing a person with a body, history, needs, boundaries, and a completely unique way of experiencing pleasure.
Being LGBT does not mean you have to know how to love women right away.
There is a fairly common pressure in the LGBT community: many people believe that if they love someone of the same sex, they must "naturally know" how to make their partner happy sexually. But that is not the case. A woman who loves women does not automatically know what all women like. Just as loving men does not make someone automatically understand all men.
Sex does not operate according to gender in a simple way. It is influenced by many factors: the body, past experiences, levels of safety, confidence, emotions, desires, things that make a person feel connected, and also things that make them anxious or lose interest.
Some people like gentleness. Some people like to be led. Some people like to take the initiative. Some people like to switch between roles. Some people prefer the feeling of being cared for rather than being controlled. Some people enjoy power exchange but are not interested in other BDSM activities.
Therefore, the first question should not be:
"What must a Dom do to satisfy their girlfriend?"
But should be:
"What does my girlfriend actually like?"
These are two completely different questions.
Read more: How Lesbian Women Love in Sexual Relationships: A Guide to Exploration, Safety, and Consent
Being a Dom does not mean you always have to know what you are doing
This is a very common misunderstanding.
Many newcomers to BDSM think that a Dominant must always be confident, decisive, experienced, and know exactly where to lead their partner. But a mature Dom is not defined by always having the answers.
One of the most important abilities of Dominance is the ability to ask questions and listen to the answers. You don't have to pretend that you have experience with everything. You don't need to try to show that you are “cool” or “professional” by doing things beyond your knowledge.
You can absolutely tell your partner:
“I want to lead you in this relationship, but I am also learning how to understand you. Please tell me what makes you feel good, what makes you uncomfortable, and what you want to explore.”
This honesty does not take away your power. On the contrary, it can make your partner feel much safer.
7 Hành Vi Thiết Yếu Của Một Dominant Trưởng Thành
Dominance is not a gender.
In a female LGBT relationship, we sometimes unconsciously bring heterosexual relationship patterns into it.
For example:
Who is the “man” in the relationship?
Who has to take the initiative?
Who has to lead?
Who has to be strong?
Who has to satisfy the other?
But D/s is not about copying traditional gender roles. A Dominant woman does not need to become like a man to be Dominant. Dominance is not about gender, but about how you wield power.
You can be feminine, soft, gentle, and still be a Dom. You can wear a dress, enjoy being cared for in everyday life, but still like to lead in a D/s dynamic. You can also be a Dominant in sex but not want to control your partner's entire life. There is no single mold. What matters is that both people clearly understand the dynamic they are building.
Before talking about "satisfying your girlfriend", let's talk about desire
A conversation that I recommend new couples have is the conversation about each other's desire map.
You can ask your partner very simple questions:
What makes you feel loved?
What makes you feel attractive?
Do you prefer to take the lead or to be led?
When do you feel most confident in your body?
Is there something you're curious about but have never told anyone?
Is there something you definitely do not want to try?
When you're uncomfortable, how do you usually react?
How would you like me to check in on your state?
Do you prefer gentleness, strictness, teasing, or guidance?
When it comes to Dominance, what attracts you the most?
You might be surprised to realize that what makes your partner feel satisfied is not necessarily what you had imagined.
For some people, the appeal of Dominance lies in being guided. For others, it's the feeling of being completely focused on. Some enjoy the feeling of having someone else make decisions within a consensual range. Others prefer teasing, rituals, words, looks, or the feeling of their partner giving them their full attention.
[Gift for you] Relationship Reflection Workbook
A small workbook to help you understand yourself better before entering a relationship or BDSM dynamic.
The Dom cannot "read the mind" of the submissive.
One thing I want to especially emphasize to newcomers is that loving each other does not mean you have to "just know" how to communicate. The Dom is also not responsible for accurately guessing every thought of the partner.
If you want to know if your girlfriend is comfortable, ask. If you are not sure if she likes something, ask. If her reaction changes, check in on her state. If she says "no," respect that.
A healthy D/s relationship should not be built on the ability to read minds, but should be based on Consent, Boundaries, Negotiation, Communication, and Trust.
"Satisfaction" is not a test that the Dom has to pass.
Don't turn that person's satisfaction into a test of your self-worth. You are not a bad Dom just because the partner does not react the way you expect. You also do not need to constantly do something new, stronger, or more complex to prove that you are good enough. Sex and BDSM are not a competition of skills.
Sometimes, what makes a person feel the most satisfied is not a complex experience, but the feeling:
"I am seen."
"I am heard."
"I can say no without fearing the partner's disappointment."
"I can trust this person when giving them power."
If you can create that space, you are building a very important foundation.
Xây dựng mối quan hệ Dom/Sub lâu dài – Không chỉ là chơi mà là kết nối thật
If you are a new Dom, start with curiosity instead of trying to prove yourself.
You don't need to rush to label yourself with a specific Dominant image. Let's explore step by step with your partner, talk about the things you both are curious about, establish clear boundaries, agree on how to stop, observe each other's reactions, and check in during and after the experience.
And most importantly: allow both of you to change your minds. One person may want to try something today but not want to tomorrow. One person may have liked a dynamic but then realizes it no longer fits. A mature Dom does not see that change as a betrayal of their role. They understand that Consent is always an ongoing dialogue, not a contract signed once.
Ý tưởng BDSM: Danh sách các trò chơi BDSM phổ biến (P1)
An LGBT relationship is a relationship between two people, before it is a “model”
Don't let movies, pornographic content, social media, or rigid definitions of “Dom” and “sub” dictate what your relationship should look like. You don't have to resemble any other couple. You and your girlfriend can build a completely unique dynamic. You can be a Dom but still gentle, while your partner can be a sub but still have absolute power over their body and boundaries. You can lead without controlling. You can give power without losing autonomy. And both of you can explore sexuality without needing to know everything from the start.
A Dom is not judged by how far they can push their partner but by how safe their partner feels when they are with them.
If you are in your 20s, in love with a woman, and starting to get curious about BDSM, you don't need to rush to become a “perfect Dom.” Start by being a good listener. The rest, you can learn together.
Want to learn about BDSM and D/s in a structured way?
The Basic BDSM course helps you build a foundation in:
✓ Consent (Consent)
✓ Boundaries (Boundaries)
✓ Pre-experience negotiation (Negotiation)
✓ Communication (Communication)
✓ Psychology and power dynamics (D/s)
✓ Safe BDSM practices (Safe BDSM)
BDSM does not start with how many techniques you know.
It starts with understanding power, responsibility, and the people who are placing their trust in you.