Câu hỏi:
"Hello sister! I work in the field of psychological therapy and I am currently working for a company. When other shared with me about sexual trends (about BDSM), I initially thought of psychological manipulation, but when I looked at this picture, I may have been mistaken. Could you explain this picture to me in more detail? Thank you, and I look forward to your response."
Explain "abuse" and "BDSM"
Answer:
I want to share with you four true stories that I have personally witnessed:
Story One:
A woman is married into a wealthy aristocratic family. Her husband is cruel, frequently beating and humiliating her even in public. After each episode of abuse, he gifts her luxurious items: from designer watches, luxury cars, and villas to transferring large sums of money into her account. He apologizes in a way that seems sincere, but then the cycle of violence - gifts - apologies continues.
Story two:
A couple in the BDSM community that I know has been together for over four years. When attending gatherings, I had the opportunity to observe how they interact and communicate. They engage in spanking, bondage, and commanding... but afterwards, there are hugs, kisses, and affectionate inquiries. He shared with me: “There are times I unintentionally hurt her, and that hurts me too. But I always listen and change to become better. With her, I can be myself, and I cherish having her in my life.” In public, they always behave civilly, respecting each other and those around them. They radiate positive energy, have a special bond, and recently got engaged, planning to marry soon.
Story three:
Another couple has been living together for several years. The man identifies as a "slave dog", serving his mistress daily according to her commands. He has to do everything, from household chores and meals to lowering himself to be a "tool," even a toilet at his mistress's request. If she is unhappy, he will be punished with a rattan whip. Nevertheless, he says he feels happy to serve, considering it his "true self," and he doesn't even dare to express his own thoughts.
The fourth story:
A group of friends identifies as being part of the polyamory trend (having romantic or sexual relationships with more than one person). In these relationships, they always strive for clear communication, expressing their needs and feelings sincerely. They respect, listen to, and understand each other to build healthy relationships based on consent. Even though moods or hormones can sometimes affect their emotions, they still make an effort to adjust, maintain openness, and listen to themselves and their partners.
The question posed:
Based on the four stories above, in your opinion: which case is true BDSM, and which case is abuse?
Analysis and Conclusion
The key point to distinguish healthy BDSM from violence/abuse lies in three factors:
- Consent: all actions only take place when all parties clearly agree.
- Safety: behaviors must be controlled to limit risks, with an understanding of physical and mental limits.
- Respect: all parties always care, listen, and treat each other humanely, without harming or devaluing human dignity.
Criteria | BDSM | Abuse |
Consensus | Yes, clear and proactive | None |
Purpose | Pleasure, connection | Control, cause harm |
Right of control | The recipient has the right to stop | Cannot stop, being imposed |
Safe | There is preparation and aftercare | None |
Long-term impact | Positive (if safe) | Negative, harmful |
Analyze the stories:
- The first story is about abuse. The husband uses violence to control and makes amends with material things. There is no consent or respect at all. This is not BDSM.
- The second story is about healthy BDSM. Even with spanking, bondage, and domination, everything is based on consent, care, listening, and love. The relationship is built on trust, civility, and respect.
- The third story harbors the risk of abuse. Although the man claims to be happy, his inability to express his feelings or set boundaries indicates an imbalance and a lack of healthy communication. This is no longer a truly safe space.
- The fourth story is about a healthy polyamorous relationship. Although it is not BDSM, the way they communicate openly, respectfully, and consensually is a foundation that BDSM also emphasizes.
Thus, BDSM is not synonymous with violence or abuse. The difference lies in consent, understanding, and mutual respect.
