When the current reaction is created by past experiences
"What makes us react strongly is not always what is happening right in front of us, but the meaning that the brain has assigned to it many years ago."
In the previous article, we explored what a trigger is and why an event that seems very small can also create intense emotional reactions. However, what is more important is to understand why two people can go through the same situation but react completely differently.
Imagine two people receiving feedback from a superior. One sees it as an opportunity to learn and improve themselves, while the other immediately feels embarrassed, blames themselves, and spends the whole day thinking that they are not good enough. The two others both receive a reply message after several hours. One thinks the other is busy, while the other starts to worry, constantly checking their phone and fearing they are about to be abandoned.
The same thing happens in intimate relationships. Some people perceive sex as an experience of connection, trust, and love. But others may feel stress, disgust, emotional numbness, or a sense of being exploited, even when the other person has no intention of hurting them.
The difference does not lie in the event itself, but in the meaning that each brain has learned to assign to that event.
From a psychological perspective, we do not react directly to reality. We react to the way the brain interprets reality, and that interpretation is formed through thousands of accumulated experiences from childhood to the present.
A person who feels intense shame when receiving feedback may have grown up in an environment where mistakes were always accompanied by criticism, ridicule, or punishment. Over time, the nervous system learns that: "Making mistakes means you are not good enough." Therefore, as an adult, a normal piece of feedback can also be interpreted by the brain as a threat to self-worth.
A person who is always terrified when their partner replies slowly to messages may have experienced relationships where attention was inconsistent, or grew up with emotionally unstable caregivers. The nervous system gradually forms the belief that: "Distance means I am about to be abandoned." What causes them distress is not just the late message, but the feeling of disconnection that the brain has learned to associate with danger.
Similarly, a person who finds sex beautiful, while another feels disgusted or disconnected from their body, is not because sex itself is good or bad. These differences often reflect each person's history of experiences. A person who has been sexually assaulted, coerced, grew up in an environment that views sex as shameful, or continuously witnessed sexual violence may form an association between sex and fear, loss of control, or harm. In this case, their reaction is not "over-sensitivity." It is the way the nervous system tries to protect them from what it has learned is dangerous.
This is also why in BDSM relationships, Consent, Negotiation, and Aftercare are always seen as foundational. Two people may both enjoy an activity, but their histories, triggers, and the meanings each assigns to that activity are completely different. An action that brings a sense of connection to one person may inadvertently trigger painful memories in another if there is a lack of communication and understanding.
Understanding this does not mean we blame the past or see ourselves as victims of what has happened. It helps us realize that many current reactions do not stem from weakness or lack of reason. They are the result of a nervous system that has spent years learning how to protect us with strategies that were once essential for survival.
When we look at others or ourselves through this lens, we will be less judgmental. Instead of asking: "Why do I overreact?", perhaps a more helpful question is: "What in the past has caused my brain to learn to react this way?"
That is often the starting point of healing. Because we cannot change what has happened, but we can begin to understand why the past continues to influence how we feel and react in the present.
The brain is not born with triggers
No one is born fearing rejection, fearing criticism, or believing they are not good enough. A baby's brain is like a system that continuously collects data to answer the most important survival questions: "What is safe?", "What is dangerous?", "What do I need to do to be protected and loved?"
Each time a repeated experience occurs, the brain will create stronger neural connections. This principle was described by psychologist Donald Hebb with the famous saying: "Neurons that fire together, wire together." Neurons that frequently work together will gradually form stable networks. If a child is constantly scolded every time they express emotions, the brain may learn that showing emotions equates to danger. If recognition is only received when achieving success, the brain may conclude that self-worth entirely depends on performing well.
Over time, these conclusions become automatic responses. They once helped us adapt to our living environment as children, but they are not always suitable when we grow up.
Conditioning: We learn how to survive
In behavioral psychology, conditioning is the process by which humans learn to associate a situation with a specific outcome. The work of Ivan Pavlov and later B. F. Skinner shows that the brain learns not only through thought but also through repeated experiences.
For example, if you are heavily criticized every time you make a mistake, the brain will start to associate "making a mistake" with "lack of safety." As an adult, even a gentle suggestion from a boss can cause the nervous system to react as if you are being attacked. Others see a normal exchange, while your body prepares for a threat.
Conditioning also explains why many people form unconscious life rules such as: "To be loved, you must be good." "Don't bother others with your emotions." "If I say no, people will leave me." These rules once helped them survive in their old environment, but when brought into adult relationships, they can become the source of many triggers.
Attachment Theory: Early relationships shape how we love
One of the most influential theories in developmental psychology is Attachment Theory, developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth. This theory posits that the quality of the relationship between young children and their primary caregivers contributes to how we perceive ourselves, others, and safety in later relationships.
If a child grows up with a stable, consistent caregiver who meets emotional needs, the child is more likely to develop a secure attachment style. As adults, they tend to trust others easily, are not overly frightened by temporary distance in relationships, and can communicate their needs clearly.
Conversely, if the care is inconsistent, or if the child is often neglected, criticized, or controlled, the nervous system learns that relationships are always fraught with risk. This can lead to insecure attachment styles such as anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, or disorganized attachment. In such cases, a pause in conversation, a slow response to a message, an inconsistent action or word, or a small change in the other person's attitude can also become a trigger, not because the event is too serious, but because it touches on a pre-existing sense of insecurity.
Read more: Attachment Styles: The Invisible Compass in All Relationships
It is important to emphasize that attachment styles are not destiny. These are patterns that can change through healthy relationships, psychotherapy, and the process of self-awareness.
Core Beliefs: The unconscious stories about oneself
If Attachment Theory explains how we learn about relationships, then Core Beliefs or core beliefs explain how we learn about ourselves.
Aaron Beck, who laid the foundation for Cognitive Therapy, argued that people form deep beliefs about themselves from a very early age. These beliefs often do not appear as clear statements but function as a "filter" to interpret all experiences.
Some common core beliefs include: "I am not good enough." "No one really loves me." "If I make a mistake, I will be rejected." "I must please others to be worthy of love." or "I am not allowed to be weak."
When an event touches on these beliefs, the emotional reaction is often much stronger than the event itself. A piece of feedback is no longer just feedback. It becomes evidence that "I am really not good enough." A rejection is not just that the other person has other choices. It becomes evidence that "No one wants to be with me."
In other words, triggers often do not react to objective truth, but react to the meaning we have unconsciously assigned to that event.
Schema Theory: When the brain views the present through the lens of the past
Psychologist Jeffrey Young developed Schema Therapy to explain why many people, despite understanding their issues intellectually, continue to repeat the same patterns of reactions and the same types of relationships.
According to him, from childhood we form Early Maladaptive Schemas – cognitive and emotional patterns built when basic psychological needs are not adequately met. These needs include safety, connection, autonomy, self-worth, and the ability to express emotions.
For example, a person with an Abandonment Schema tends to interpret small distances in a relationship as signs of separation. A person with a Defectiveness Schema is very likely to believe that any feedback proves they have flaws. A person with a Subjugation Schema often feels guilty when saying "no" and continuously places the needs of others before their own.
Schemas operate like a pair of colored glasses. They do not change reality, but change the way we perceive reality. When a trigger appears, the brain often prioritizes interpreting events according to the old schema rather than objectively assessing what is happening.
Triggers in love, work, and D/s
In romantic relationships, triggers often arise when the need for attachment is threatened. A person may feel abandoned if their partner texts less than usual, while another may completely withdraw whenever the conversation becomes too intimate because they unconsciously associate closeness with the risk of being hurt.
In the workplace, feedback from a superior may lead one person to see it as an opportunity for growth, while for another it becomes evidence that they are not competent enough. The difference lies not in the feedback itself, but in the core beliefs that each person carries.
In D/s relationships, triggers appear more often than many people think. A Dominant can be triggered when a submissive asks questions, behaves disrespectfully… because in the past they were belittled or lost control. Conversely, a submissive may feel frightened when receiving a harsh command, an act of non-consent, or not being cared for after an experience… if they have previously experienced an abusive or overly controlling environment. This does not mean that D/s is the cause of triggers. On the contrary, it is the clarity in communication, consent, check-ins, and aftercare that allows many people to recognize their old patterns for the first time and have the opportunity to build safer experiences.
Triggers are not the enemy
We often ask: "How can I stop being triggered?" But perhaps a more useful question is: "What is this trigger trying to protect within me?"
Each trigger is a trace of a survival strategy that once helped us adapt. The issue is not whether the nervous system reacts, but whether that strategy is still relevant to our current life.
When we start to look at triggers with curiosity instead of judgment, we not only gain a better understanding of our emotions but also a deeper understanding of our own developmental history. This is the first step to replacing automatic reactions with conscious choices, and it is also the foundation for building safer, more mature, and sustainable relationships.
(to be continued)...