Trigger: When the Past Touches the Present (P1)
Trigger: When the Past Touches the Present (P1)
Why Are We Triggered? (P2)
From automatic reactions to conscious responses
"The goal of healing is not to no longer be triggered, but to recognize when you are being triggered and choose how to respond rather than just react."
After understanding what triggers are and why they form, the next question many people ask is: "How can I stop being triggered?" In reality, that may not be the appropriate goal. The human brain is designed to learn from experience, so there will always be things that make us more sensitive than others. A person who has been in a car accident may still flinch at the sound of sudden braking. A person who has experienced betrayal may still feel uneasy when their partner suddenly changes behavior. The initial reactions of the nervous system do not always completely disappear. What can change is the relationship between you and the trigger. Instead of letting the past dictate the present response, we learn to recognize what is happening in the body, understand why it is happening, and choose a response that is more appropriate to the current reality. That is also the core of the process of self-awareness and emotional regulation.
The first step: Recognizing when the nervous system is activated
One of the hardest things when being triggered is that we often do not realize we are being triggered. At that moment, the emotions are very real, the thoughts are very real, and the fears are very real. We believe that what we are feeling completely reflects reality. In psychology, this state is often referred to as activation – the moment the nervous system shifts into protective mode and prioritizes survival over rational thinking.
Activation not only appears in thoughts but also manifests very clearly through the body. The heart may beat faster, breathing becomes shallow, shoulder or jaw muscles tense up, the stomach tightens, the mind feels empty or it is very hard to concentrate. Some people immediately want to argue to defend themselves, some want to leave the conversation, some are completely silent, while others try to please the other person at all costs. These are the Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn responses that we have learned about in previous lessons.
See more: 10.2: Fight – Flight – Freeze – Fawn: 4 Survival Responses of the Brain
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The first thing is not to try to change your emotions or force yourself to calm down immediately. What is more important is to be able to pause and remind yourself: "My nervous system is activated." Just this ability to recognize creates a pause between the stimulus and the response, giving us an additional opportunity to choose rather than act on impulse.
Self-Regulation: Learning how to help the nervous system calm down again
Many people try to resolve triggers by telling themselves: "There is nothing to be afraid of." However, this often does not work because when the nervous system is in a state of alarm, the part of the brain responsible for logical thinking and decision-making (prefrontal cortex) operates less effectively. Before being able to think rationally, the body needs to feel that it is safe.
That is why emotional regulation methods (self-regulation) often start from the body rather than from thoughts. Simple techniques such as slow and deep breathing, extending the exhalation, feeling the feet touch the ground, observing the surrounding environment with the senses, or walking gently have been shown by many studies to help the nervous system reduce its state of alertness. The goal is not to eliminate unpleasant emotions, but to send a very simple message to the body: "I am safe. The danger has passed."
Co-Regulation: Humans heal in relationships
Humans not only know how to self-regulate emotions but also learn to regulate emotions through others. In Polyvagal Theory, neuroscientist Stephen Porges suggests that the nervous system continuously seeks signals of safety from the surrounding environment. A calm gaze, a gentle voice, a timely question, a non-judgmental presence, or a hug with consent can all help the body shift from a defensive state to a connected state.
This phenomenon is called co-regulation. Young children learn to regulate emotions through caregivers before they have the ability to self-regulate. As adults, this mechanism continues to exist. A friend who knows how to listen, a partner who is patient enough, or a Dominant who knows how to check-in and create a sense of safety can all help the nervous system become calmer. However, co-regulation does not mean that others are responsible for your emotions. It simply reminds us that humans are designed to heal through safe and reliable relationships.
Memory Reconsolidation: The brain can learn again
For many years, scientists believed that once a memory was formed, it was almost impossible to change. However, research in recent decades on Memory Reconsolidation has provided a completely new perspective. Researchers like Karim Nader, Joseph LeDoux, and later Bruce Ecker have shown that each time a memory is recalled, it is not simply "opened" for review. For a short period, that memory becomes more flexible and can be updated before being stored again.
This has significant implications for the healing process. The brain does not erase old memories, but it has the ability to learn that the current circumstances are different from the past. If an experience was once associated with fear, loss of control, or trauma, but this time is experienced in a safe environment, with trustworthy people and a different outcome, the nervous system will gradually adjust its responses.
Imagine a person who was once very afraid of rejection. Every time they wanted to say "No," they worried that others would be angry or leave them. But when they respectfully set boundaries multiple times and received respect instead of rejection, the brain begins to learn that: "Not everyone will abandon me just because I have needs or limits."
Another person grew up in an environment where every piece of feedback came with criticism and shame. Therefore, when they go to work, just one comment from a superior is enough to make them feel like a failure. However, if they continuously work in an environment where feedback is given with the intention of support, respect, and development, the nervous system will gradually update to understand that: "Receiving feedback does not mean I am worthless."
This is also true for those who have experienced trauma in relationships or have been sexually abused. A person may feel anxious, tense, or disconnected from their body every time there is physical intimacy, not because the touch itself is dangerous, but because the nervous system has learned to associate intimacy with pain or loss of control. Over time, if they are in a relationship where all contact is based on Consent, being heard, being respected, having the right to say "No," and knowing that their boundaries will always be protected, the brain can gradually form a new connection. Intimacy no longer equates to danger. It can become a symbol of safety, connection, and love.
This is also one of the reasons why Consent, Negotiation, and Aftercare play a particularly important role in BDSM. A healthy dynamic not only helps minimize risks but can also create corrective emotional experiences, where participants first feel that they have the right to choose, the right to stop, and still be respected. It is these consistent experiences that help the nervous system gradually rewrite old conclusions about safety, trust, and relationships.
It is important to understand that this process does not happen after just one experience. The brain learns through repetition, consistency, and a sense of safety. Just like old beliefs formed over many years, new ways of responding also need time to be reinforced.
Healing does not come from erasing the past or forgetting what has happened. It comes from creating enough new experiences for the brain and nervous system to update to a different truth:
"This time, things are different."
"I am no longer in the old situation."
"Right now, I am safe."
Replace judgment with curiosity
One of the most common reactions after being triggered is to blame oneself. We often think: "Why am I so weak?", "I should have controlled myself better." or "I overreacted again." But judgment rarely helps the nervous system calm down. On the contrary, it often makes us feel ashamed and continues to fall into the old loop.
A more helpful approach is to replace judgment with curiosity. Try asking yourself: "What is this trigger trying to protect?", "What in the current situation is similar to my past experience?", "What story am I telling about this event?" and "What do I really need right now?" These questions help shift the focus from fighting against emotions to understanding emotions. Curiosity is the foundation of self-awareness and change.
Trigger Reflection Workbook
When you notice that you are reacting very strongly to a situation, take a few minutes to write it down instead of reacting immediately.
Start by describing what just happened objectively.
Then observe your body: is your heart racing, are your shoulders tense, do you want to walk away or argue?
Next, write down the first thoughts that come to mind and ask yourself: "What story am I telling about this event?"
Finally, shift your attention to your true needs: do you need to be heard, to be reassured, to have clarity, to be respected, or simply need more time before continuing the conversation?
These questions are not meant to find out who is right or wrong but to help you connect the trigger, emotions, needs, and past experiences.
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Application in BDSM and relationships
In BDSM, triggers are not uncommon. A command, a position, a type of touch, a sound, or a form of power can inadvertently touch on old experiences that even the person involved may not have been aware of. Some people only realize that they have always feared abandonment, find it very difficult to say "No", or feel panic when losing the sense of control when they enter a safe dynamic. This does not mean that BDSM creates these triggers. Often, they have existed beforehand, and BDSM just inadvertently becomes a clearer mirror reflecting the psychological patterns that are present.
That is also why BDSM is not just about techniques, roles, or tools. The core of BDSM is communication, consent, and responsibility. Concepts like Negotiation, Consent, Safeword, Check-in, and Aftercare were not created to make things more complicated. They exist because each person carries a different history, a different nervous system, and very different experiences. An action that brings a sense of connection to one person may inadvertently trigger painful memories in another if there is a lack of communication and understanding.
This is also true in all relationships outside of BDSM. When we understand that another person's reactions may stem from old experiences, we will be less quick to label them as "too sensitive", "too emotional", or "difficult". At the same time, we also learn not to use the past to justify all of our behaviors. Trauma can explain why we react that way, but it does not exempt us from responsibility for how we choose to respond.
Self-awareness does not make us perfect. It helps us understand why we react the way we do, identify what is happening in our nervous system, and gradually build more mature ways of responding. It is also the foundation of all healthy relationships: understanding oneself, respecting others' boundaries, and creating a space safe enough for both to grow.
Want to practice BDSM in a healthy, safe, and conscious way?
BDSM does not start with learning how to use whips, ropes, or techniques. It starts with understanding people: understanding Consent, boundaries, communication, psychology, the nervous system, and how to build trust in a power exchange relationship.
If you want a solid foundation before entering any dynamic, the Basic BDSM Course will help you understand the core principles for practicing BDSM safely, responsibly, and consciously. Whether you are Dominant, submissive, Switch, or simply curious about BDSM, foundational knowledge will help you make more informed choices and build healthier connections.
Because in BDSM, power does not start from the ability to control others. It starts from the ability to understand oneself and take responsibility for the impact one creates.
Triggers are not the end.
Perhaps the most beautiful thing about triggers is that they tell us where within ourselves still needs to be heard. Triggers are not evidence that you have failed in your healing journey, nor do they mean you will always be controlled by the past. Each time you realize you are being triggered is an opportunity to understand more deeply about the nervous system, about unmet needs, and about the stories you have carried for a long time.
Self-awareness does not help us eliminate triggers. But it helps us recognize when triggers appear, regulate the nervous system, choose responses instead of reacting, and gradually create new experiences for the brain to learn that: "I am no longer in the past. Right now, I am safe."