Hello, I think writing out my issue will be more complete than discussing it directly. I would like to present about myself:
1. Past and Childhood
Em sinh ra với cơ thể là nam, hiện tại em 31 tuổi. từ lúc còn nhỏ chắc khoảng 3-4 tuổi trước lúc đi học lớp mẫu giáo em đã có nhận thức về cơ thể và tâm lí của mình, có gì đó khác với những đặc tính của nam cùng lứa tuổi. Khi còn nhỏ ở tuổi đó dương vật em cũng cương cứng khi gặp phải kích thích về giới tính, em cũng không rõ là như vậy có sớm không. Em cũng thích xem phim ảnh có liên quan đến các phân cảnh về giới tính, ngay ở độ tuổi đó em nhận ra là mình thích là con gái, muốn là con gái và ở trong hoàn cảnh là bị xâm hại có thêm bị bạo lực. Những suy nghĩ trong em thì em muốn cất giấu chúng, nhưng có lần em còn tổ chức với chính anh ruột của mình hơn em 3 tuổi. là em chủ động bị trói để anh ấy làm chuyện đó (em đóng vai nữ). tất nhiên là trò chơi cũng xảy ra ở mức độ anh ấy cởi quần em thôi. Lúc đó còn khá nhỏ em nghĩ chắc anh ấy giờ cũng không có nghi ngờ gì, (anh trai em thì là nam 100%).
2. Obsession
From a young age until I grew up around middle school, I still held that thought in my head, longing to possess a beautiful female body, but also longing to be violently harmed and violated by others. I have never confessed this to anyone, except before going to sleep, I know I can only feel that way in my dreams. I often dream about my body being transformed.
3. Undefined
But it's also quite strange that in reality and in my free thoughts, I absolutely never liked boys, I have no sexual feelings at all. I like women but want to become a woman and be violently harmed like that.
4. A body
In elementary school and throughout my childhood, I was also famous at school for being the child of a teacher; everyone said I looked like my dad. But I have a face with some feminine features, many people said so, and I was also complimented on being beautiful. In third grade, I was even assaulted by another boy, like holding hands and kissing. I was quite confused and didn't understand what was happening to me. By sixth or seventh grade, during puberty, I noticed my body was changing; hair follicles were developing, but compared to boys, I had very little. The same goes for muscles. The special thing was the development of breasts? I remember at that time my chest had two small hard bumps that felt a bit tender, about a little over 1 cm in diameter. When I told my mom, she said that only girls have that. During the early years of puberty, I longed to be a girl to the point of shaving my legs, and I had thoughts of self-harm related to that, but of course, I didn't do it. And until now, my body is still that of a skinny male with little muscle; I see that my arms and legs resemble those of a female.
5. I have never known about masturbation.
Those intentions and thoughts within me are always concealed; I know society can be discriminatory because at that time, it was indeed not widely accepted. (In reality, I also don't like men.) I realize that I am someone who really enjoys and spends a lot of time looking at pictures of beautiful girls, especially their bodies. About 30% of it is genuine attraction, and 70% is a desperate desire to possess them. Continuing to live with reality, I got to know a girl my age at university when I was studying away from home at 19-20 years old. My passion for academics and everything around me left me with little time to explore my sexuality and sexual orientation. When I went to my girlfriend's house, I stayed over; my girlfriend is quite proactive and has a high sexual desire. The first time she used her hands to take off my pants and touch my penis, I came immediately; I couldn't handle it because it was my first time, and I didn't even know what male masturbation was. After that, I became addicted to masturbation, exploring quite violent sex films, such as rape, gangbang, rope, etc. Scenarios where women are forced and passive excited me a lot. I also looked into BDSM genres, but I never thought there were people in reality who liked to be like that besides me; I thought I was the only one with such unusual preferences. So at that time, I thought BDSM was a one-sided torture of sex where one side wants it and the other does not.
6. Satisfaction
After nearly 10 years in two relationships (including the current one with a woman), I have never had sex; we only stimulated each other with our hands, partly because I was afraid I couldn't control myself, and I wasn't very interested in sexual relations. Every time I ejaculated, I closed my eyes and imagined myself being subjected to BDSM, violence, being tied up, and being violently assaulted by a man...
7. Addiction
Since my first ejaculation at 19 when my girlfriend took the initiative, I have become very addicted to the feeling of climax in men. I am addicted to sex, JAV, and my frequency of watching and masturbating is quite high, about 3-4 times a week. The genres I watch haven't changed; forced scenes always stimulate me, while voluntary scenes do not interest me at all.
8. Open
Until recently, I accidentally learned about BDSM and realized that there are many people with a psychology similar to mine. I want to feel safe, want to climax in sex, want to become a girl and experience those feelings, want to be bound, humiliated, tortured... (I don't want to become a girl and take the initiative with boys or have feelings for boys). In the current world, I also like to take the initiative somewhat with my girlfriend, and during my school years, after some unsatisfactory experiences in the third grade, I was also noted by other boys as masculine.
9. What am I?
I have never dared to delve into this question, or I have researched my psychology but have not really met anyone I trust enough or found any materials to learn more. I plan to marry and have children with the girlfriend I am currently dating; of course, in the real world, I like girls. But there is something, still a little something after more than 30 years, I still long to be a girl, to possess a real female body, and to experience the violent violation as I first became aware.
10. BDSM
I don't think I will find a partner to train in BDSM, but I intend to learn about BDSM and am exploring whether I can train by myself. Because deep in my mind, I still want to be female.
I really want to receive advice, a comment from you for me.
Thank you very much for reading this message.
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